5 Warning Signs of Barista Failure

I almost did it again … pour ground coffee into the brew basket without a filter.

If there is anyone out there who never messed up using today’s convenient, fool-proof coffee makers, you deserve a medal. I’ve learned that I need to keep my coffee-making skills at home, in my private kitchen where I can cover up mistakes before anyone walks in.

Let me list a few warnings.

1. Purchase out-of-date ground coffee from the clearance shelf.

There is a reason this coffee is on clearance. You don’t need to know why – just trust me on this.

2. When you run out of coffee filters, substitute a scented dryer sheet.

I’ve not tried this myself, but the tendency might be in my genes. My dad once filtered homemade wine through 3 layers of perfumed tissues, resulting in an apricot-scented red grape wine. Mom dabbed it behind her ears and a little on her wrist as she sipped away. Confusing, to say the least.

3. Carefully measure freshly ground coffee into non-bleached filter in brew basket, measure filtered spring water into carafe, set carafe on warming plate, hit ON switch, then return an hour later to pour a lukewarm cup of filtered water.

This is only one of a variety of possibilities I’ve experiment with. There is forgetting you filled the water reservoir the night before and pouring in another carafe-full of water the next morning. Or you can forget adding coffee and just run through a fresh brew of hot water. Or set everything up perfectly and forget to hit the ON switch. Blah, blah, blah. Coffee makers are cleverly designed to keep me humble.

4. Brew 2 quarts of coffee on Monday morning, refrigerate left-overs, conveniently reheat on demand throughout the following week.

Of course, I know better than this. That doesn’t keep me from considering it, though.

5. Make a special effort to steam almond milk, pour into a fresh cup of coffee, stir in organic cane sugar, sprinkle with nutmeg, taste its perfection with a small slurp, knock it over with your elbow.

This entails scrubbing the kitchen floor and possibly re-polishing lower cabinet doors. These things are normally ignored until company is coming. It is preferable to plan this type of forced labor for another time when you can fortify with chocolate and some good tunes.

No worries. I’ve found the perfect solution to my dilemma.

I run down to the corner gas station for a quick wake-up cappuccino before returning home to brew my own cup. This also works in a brisk morning walk, something I can brag about when I hang out with half-awake complainers that constantly commiserate about morning lag. Not me. I’m on top of things.

No one ever said life was easy. But I got this.